Greetings and welcome to Jefferson’s Guide to Photography in 2010!*
You say you want to be a photographer, and that’s great! You wish to be counted amongst the great shutter-snappers of the past, adjusting and perfecting til you get the absolute perfect shot, but thankfully in our generation, you don’t have to! We have digital film now! So you can snap away at all the seemingly meaningless shit we have surrounding us!
Finally you can upload your photo diary to Photobucket and Xanga and complain effortlessly for ages, cryptically implying that the life of an upper middle class child is “crushing your existence”!
You no longer have to take pictures with your cellphone!
AND IF YOU ARE STANDING UP, YOU HAD BETTER PARK YOUR SWEET ASS IN A SEAT, MOTHERFUCKER!
Because I have a supriiiiise for you!
That’s right! DIGITAL SLR. Look at this insane amount of depth in this image! Just try to fathom what is going on in my oh so painful life!
By now you are probably wondering, “Why am I reading this? I want to learn to take pictures, asshole! Instruct me!”
KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, SHIRLEY.
STEP ONE: Gain a Vagina.
I’m not saying get a girlfriend. I’m saying get a sex change, Johnny Defadude. Guys don’t have the introspective eye or the attention to detail that a human of the female variety does. So stick to football and beer, bro. Fotograyfee Photography or whatever, is for chicks, homo.
My God, this is so romantic.
STEP TWO: Buy a DSLR.
“But I already have a perfectly good camera right here.” SHUT UP WUSS FOR BRAINS. Nobody cares about that wimpy little point and shoot! Yeah? It’s got 12 freakin’ megapixels and a 2.5 HD LCD display? WOOP DE FREAKIN’ HOO! Get that shit outta here. Do you think anybody is gonna respect you with that little piece of crap? Come on! Get with the times! Empty your life savings on a Nikon-no wait. A Canon Rebel! What? Should you buy more lenses? doesn’t the one you have look nice enough?
I'm wondering what it's like in the bug's world. Teehee.
STEP THREE: Learn Discover Attempt to use the Macro Feature.
Wow that mountain landscape sure is a pretty sight. Maybe you should take a picture of it! Nah, fuck it, right? This is a much better time to use that as an out-of-focus backdrop for a picture of your hand. Oh my god… Would you look at the detail in that shot. Phew. You can almost see every single skin cell!
Look how I make insignificant things look significant!
STEP FIVE: Get a Flickr Account.
Argh! One 4GB memory card filled of 2 second exposure shots and enough pictures of you in your bathroom to rival the image server on Myspace, what are you ever to do?! Hang on a second! You’re a big kid now! You can go delete your Photobucket and sign up for a Flickr! Yeah kid! Now you look professional as fuck! Look at all that! There are tons of people just like you out snapping away! But don’t worry, you can set yourself out and make your shots look unique. The secret: Vintage effects. No one will ever see it coming!
Frozen Lamppost. It represents ho we can perpetuate the feelings of remorse within ourselves. Forever. LOLJK
…And shazam! Look at yourself! You should have gauged ears, a headband/bandanna around your forehead, comically large wayfarer glasses that serve no purpose and a new found affinity for Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. You may be thinking, “How did this happen, Jefferson?! When did I start collecting vintage records and shopping at thrift stores? Where did this mustache come from?” Ahh yes, in time the answers to all your questions will come to light. Just be patient and listen to some Animal Collective on your First Generation iPod Touch.
*I hope by the time you read this far you’ve picked-up on the fact that this is a satire of so called “photographers” I have been inadvertently observing over the past several weeks on image sharing sites. Thanks for understanding. I hope this made you laugh.
If it didn’t, this will.
Simple livin'
Shouldn’t another requirement be they’re all either on Team Edward or Team Jacob?
I enjoyed this thoroughly this reminds me of the countless days in photography where i would play guitar rather than take pictures.
After seeing some further examples, to be a Photographer in 2010, you must:
1. Photoshop all you pictures to look vintage and old.
2. Have a Facebook Page showing off your pictures
I also found this. Ugh: “I have a Canon Rebel XS with an 18 – 55mm lens, and i’m getting a 55 – 200mm lens soonish.
it’s not really about the camera body, although i’d prefer nikon, canon’s a bit amateur.
but it’s about the lenses you have, they’re what make things awesome.”
What has photography come to?!
Sorry, didn’t reread. I repeated you, but totally agree.
UGH. PEOPLE IT’S THE CARPENTER NOT THE TOOLS.
haha i had to come check out your blog after you commented on mine. this post was hilarious. you have a very legit writing style!
Thank you much, sir! I appreciate it! I update regularly, so feel free to stop by anytime!